Suicide
by Spokenvoice
Summary: Sara puts her job before her life. How will the team deal watching Sara's every move yet unable to help her. The brunette goes undercover but does she take on more than she can handle? Femslash CS you have been warned
1. Prologue

**CSI: Las Vegas – Suicide (Prologue)**

"… This is all we need!" Grissom mumbled as he walked into his office followed by Catherine and Sara. The Brunette first who headed straight over to take a seat, Catherine after her who shut the door slowly before turning back to her boss. "God damn it...?"

"Gill this is ridiculous" Catherine explained with anger in her voice that was obviously directed at something. Grissom just let it pass – "…he is the suspect in the case who sees to have a fascination with Sara. You letting the Feds lead this?"

The brunette sighed, she understood what standing up against both Catherine and Grissom would do but she couldn't just sit here. "Listen, he killed her… I just have to find out where he's put the body, and I think I can do that if you just send me in there. Give me a shot at this – if not that family that are waiting in the reception will never know"

"Sara…I've seen the way he looks at you" Catherine shot, "What the hell is wrong with you. This is too dangerous." The blond moved from where she'd been lent on the door to stand closer to Sara hoping the brunette would see that this wasn't an option.

"Dangerous… I'll tell you what's dangerous letting this guy free. All I need is a chance at this."

"Let the feds take it…you're CSI … not a god damn cop." Catherine growled.

"Look… I'm not going in to this blind. I've done undercover work before. He thinks that I'm the vics friend. This is perfect." She knew that Catherine would never understand so she looked to Grissom. "Gil, you know my job before this…I can do it!"

"Sara God damns it – your CSI now…not a cop and there's a reason that you quit…"

"Yeah there is… and I don't want to let it happen again. I don't want there to be something that I can do but I'm so caught up I won't do anything. Please…understand."

Catherine looked up to see Gil looking like he was thinking. She didn't understand…what was there to think about? He sank back into his chair and sighed – Sara was just looking at him. Catherine let out a socked breath – "You have got to be kidding me? Your thinking about this…" She shot at Grissom. Turning her back she paced back over to the door – then something hit her. She turned back – "You know what…I'm lead on this case…what I say goes. You're not doing it!"

There was a silence, "Yes…she is!"

Catherine looked to Grissom, her jaw falling slightly – "I don't believe this…"

"I want a briefing set up by the feds" He instructed, seemingly ignoring the blond CSI.

"The Feds are too hot headed to understand what this guys capable of… how can you send her in there after you saw what he can do?"

"She's trained for this…" He explained softly.

"She's trained…" Catherine shook her head, "oh well, if she's trained by all means push her towards the rapist killer…I don't believe you"

Catherine couldn't deal with this she turned and took off out of the office slamming the door behind her. She headed towards her own office unable to keep calm. She barged passed others in the corridor not caring that she was hitting into them. Looking up she saw Greg down the hall. "Greg… everything you have on the case…in my office in five!" She didn't even give him chance to respond just pushed her way into the room that was no bigger that a desks width and slammed it shut.

Grissom looked over to Sara, who was still sat on the chair. "your asking a lot from us Sara… you know how hard this is going to be for us?"

"I know… I wouldn't do it if I… I didn't have to!"

"You don't…" He stood up from his chair and moved taking the spare chair next to her. He reached for her hand – a bold move for anyone to try on Sara Sidle. She wasn't one for emotion and Gil wasn't much good either. "This won't fix what happened to you Sara. You know that right?"

"But I can stop it happening to anyone else. I have to stop it from happening!" She took Grissom's hand, "I'll be fine! Feds will have my back"

He nodded, "So will we…we are in on this to Sara"

"I wouldn't have it any other way!"

With this she stood up, she took off out of the office – thinking momentarily about going to talk to Catherine she then decided against it. They wouldn't talk, they'd fight, and that wasn't good. With a final decision not to do that now she took off towards the break room for much needed coffee.

* * *

"Look, she's my CSI… I say what goes. I want in on this operation. My guys need to be in on this or you don't get the go ahead." Grissom demanded as he stood head to head with a table parting the Feds from him.

He thought about it the moment, taking his suit jacket off him placed it on the back of the chair then looked back up to Gil. "Fine…let's talk about this. She what we can come up with"

* * *

"We need to talk"

Catherine looked up from the files on her desk – the brunette was stood against the now closed door. "You still doing this?"

"Yeah" Sara mumbled.

"Well we have nothing to talk about…"

"I think we do. Look, don't be my superior, don't be my colleague. Be my girlfriend"

"Your girlfriend… god damn it…why don't you try been mine. Your putting your life on the line out there Sara and for what?"

"Can't you just try and understand?" Sara asked softly. "Please …"

"NO…NO you don't get to ask me to do this. I can't…"

Catherine turned her back looking out of the small window that was behind her desk. "I have to do this."

"NO…they have feds that can do this. There is another way…"

"Not for me there isn't!" Sara explained. She took a step forward – "You don't get it Cath… just trust me!"

"Oh yeah, trust the woman who's about to go off half set into the hands of a murderer. Trust me Sara, and if not trust the god damn file…" Catherine picked it up from her desk and threw the photos at the brunette one by one – "Look at the god damn evidence. You think I want this to happen to you? You think I'm okay with this god damn it. I'll be your girlfriend, I'll be your boss, god damn it I'll be anything you want other than the idiot that says it's okay for you to walk into this!"

Sara just looked to the floor, "Maybe I'm the idiot…maybe he will kill me, maybe I will get hurt doing this but maybe I'll get the evidence needed to convict him. And if there's a chance I can get this guy off the streets, get him locked away or hell get him the needle then I'll do it. If there is a chance I can do that I'll take it because I have to – that's what my job is. You more than anyone should understand…"

"Understand – understand what Sara? You're willing to go out there and die. Do I mean that little to you that you're willing to end what we have over one guy, one case? No…I won't understand, and I won't be able to sit back and watch you go ahead with it." Catherine lent against the wall.

"I'm sorry" Was all that Sara could say. Before anymore could be said her pager went off. She looked down at it and then slowly up to Catherine – their eyes locked and the blond tore hers apart unable to do this. "I got to…"

"Yeah…just go!"

Sara sighed, turning around she rested her hand on the door handle. "Take it your not coming to the briefing?" Catherine didn't respond – she just looked at the back of the woman she loved. Fear filling into her stomach and working its way into her mouth – bitter, un-diluted fear – Sara walked out, with no other words just silence.

"God damn it!" Catherine crawled. Throwing her foot into the chair and kicking it to the floor before she went about picking up all the pictures of the woman's body and what this guy had done. Catherine couldn't help but put Sara's face on them all – and that caused her to let tears roll down her face. Angry, hot tears

* * *

"What the hell were you thinking?" He hared the door slam shut before the end of the sentence, slowly he put the folder down and looked up at the blond. He didn't dare say anything. "Not only am I leading in this god damn case and you totally undermined me I am her god damn girlfriend. You think I want her out there with that bastard. She's not thinking straight she's blinded by the case and it was your job to show her that…not send her off on some god damn suicide mission."

"Listen to me Catherine… she would have done this with or without my permission. Do you remember the strip strangler. She has no sense of authority – this way, I'm in on it – I'm apart of the operation and I can watch her back…"

Catherine just shook her head, "no…you listen to me… if she's hurt in any way from this god damn death wish stunt your letting her pull – I'll never forgive you. I'll never let you forget…you hear me?"

"Cath…"

"Never!" She warned, not wanting to listen to him she turned and walked away.


	2. prt1: Still with us

**Part 1**

_(Homophobic mention in this part. You have been warned and just to be safe )_**  
**

_"You know what Sidle, you're a lucky woman"  
"Whys that?"  
"Because… you got me watching your back"_

"Sara… are you okay?" The Fed that was putting the Mic on Sara asked. She didn't respond, "Sidle – you still with us?" he attempted again a little more firmly.

This pulled her from the trace she was in, ridding the painful memories from her mind. "Sorry what?" She asked as he placed the last bit of tape on the microphone that he was sticking to her chest.

"Nothing…you're all done" He smiled. "You still up for this? You can still back out" He explained. Sara looked down and began to button up her shirt. Looking up and past the Fed she saw Catherine willows stood against the back wall. Their eyes met and the pleading from the blond was overwhelming so Sara was forced to look away.

"No… I'm good"

He slapped her on the shoulder. "Well lucky for you – you have me watching your back. I'll get you back safe and sound."

The memories surfaced again, only highlighting the reason she was doing this. She just nodded – "When do I go in there?"

"We'll send you into the bar in about an hour…so make yourself comfortable after the mic check and I'll keep you safe…and for the next god knows how long you're Rachel Stevens - till we nail this bastard."

She sat back into the chair. She began to mess with her signet ring on her left hand – Catherine had given it to her for the five moth anniversary – she couldn't help but wonder why she was doing this – she had a great woman who loved her, a great job, her life was good and she …she was risking everything. For what?

"We have an apartment set up with cameras and microphones in built. We'll have your stuff taken over there soon."

"What so I have to pack?"

"No…someone will have to do that for you, you can't be seen anywhere other than the places we set you. That means no crime lab, Police station or any part of Sara Sidles life after the drop off tonight. We talk to you – when it's needed. You get that?"

She nodded her head.

Catherine turned and left the room.

What am I doing? Was all that ran through Sara's mind.

He checked the microphone, and went on to check the camera – it was at this point that Sara decided she couldn't take much more of this, "Can I leave you to finish this off?" she asked.

"Depends where you leaving to?"

"No where out side this place…phone on, you can get hold of me." She assured.

"Leave granted" He nodded.

Standing up Sara took off for the door. She stepped into the corridor and lent against the wall taking slow steady breaths. Memories filling back into her mind.

_"Yeah…how long you got my back then? Till you get board of picking on the dyke"  
"You know I'll never get board of that"  
"You know, I'm attracted to you when you play your homophobic cop gig"  
"Is that true?"  
"Hell, I'm attracted to you"  
"My husband might have something to say about that"  
"I can take him…" _

"You and I need to talk"

Sara looked up from her daze locking eyes with Nick – "We do?"

He nodded, "Ye we do" He took her by the arm slowly leading her towards the break room. She wasn't resisting – more than happy actually as there were a few things she needed Nick to do for her.

He walked into the room, and then shut the door behind them. "Tell me you have decided not to do this"

"I can't" She offered, as she lent against the counter her back to him.

"Thought as much… Sidle…you're my best friend… I'm not liking this but your not going to back down. I have your back – I'll be watching you 24-7 and you better not get yourself killed you hear me?" His tone was firm and angry.

She turned, looked at him before walking towards him. He embraced her – "God I'm sorry" she said, "I shouldn't be doing this to you guys"

"No you shouldn't. Damn it girl …"

"I have to catch this bastard"

"I know you do" He pulled back and looked into her eyes – "Just don't get yourself killed while doing it"

She didn't respond knowing the possibility of her been killed were real.

"Will you do me a favor?"

"A favor?"

"A few?"

"Hit me" He nodded.

"I need you to watch out…for Catherine… I …I'm hurting her and right now she hates me but…please" Sara looked to the floor. "I need you to…if … I ...if something happens. Please?"

"Nothings going to happen!"

"Just tell her I love her nick, and I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to lose her!"

"You get the hell back here and tell her yourself. You get me?"

Sara just nodded. Then looked back up at the Texan – "And make sure Greg doesn't get into too much trouble"

"Your leaving him in your apartment … alone"

"I know…exactly." Sara laughed. She and Greg shared an apartment. They'd already argued and cried and done all the things you'd expect – he was as much against her going as them all.

* * *

"You know…a girl gets a little jealous when her girlfriend has pictures of another woman in her locker."

Sara jumped at the sound of Catherine's voice, who was stood directly behind her. "Shit…"

"Sorry" Sara sighed. Catherine sat next to the brunette on the bench in the center of the locker room. "So should I be worried…"

Sara shook her head, "She was as straight as you can get." Sara reassured. "I never had a chance" she laughed, a pain filled laugh.

"Was?" Catherine offered softly.

"Yeah…was…" She ran her finger over the image. "I worked PD before becoming a CSI. I was… partners with her…Kara Davis. She was KIA… she was murdered" Sara stopped as tears began to well up in her eyes.

Catherine's hand moved slowly and rested on the brunette's leg. "I'm sorry…"

"I…I was her partner and I… I couldn't do anything. That bastared raped and killed her and all I could do was watch. That… that's why I have to do this… why I have to make this ok…please tell my you understand"

"I can't…" Catherine explained, her voice catching as she became emotional.

"God damn it…she had a family…kid…a god damn husband. I had to look her sister in the eye…you don't understand. That's why I … I have to do this. Please don't hate me…"

"I don't hate you… I love you…that's why I don't want you to do this …" Catherine growled.

"I have to"

"You don't…we can find another way." The desperation and pleading was hurting them both.

Sara shook her head.

"You'll end up like her Sara…do you want that…" Catherine shouted.

"I'm sorry!"

"SORRY… don't" Catherine kissed Sara harshly, the pulled back only too move in again. Tears starting down her face as she kissed her now more lovingly. When they parted an emotional Catherine growled lowly – "Don't tell me you're sorry. You fucking stupid, your crazy, but not sorry cause you wouldn't do this too me" standing she walked to her locker – she placed her head against it crying. Sara wanted so much to comfort her girlfriend but couldn't. Instead she sat teats falling down her own face.

"I'll never forgive you Sara…if I lose you to this bastard." Sara still didn't speak. After a few moments Catherine turned – she placed on the edge of the bench a sliver ring – "I love you" She managed before leaving.

That's when Sara broke down – when the door to the changing rooms shut Sara stood up and placed her boot into the locker several times, followed by her fist before she crumpled to the floor in an emotional rage.


	3. prt2: Something to come back for

**Part 2**

_"You know what Sidle – you're a lucky woman" _

_Sara looked up over the bonnet of her car at the other woman, the officer who held a coffee in her hand and had a smile plastered across her face. "Why's that?" She asked. _

_"Because…" Kara Davis took a swig from the hot liquid and with a shrug explained, "You got me watching your back." _

_Sara drank the last of her coffee and turned throwing the plastic cup into the trash can next to where she'd parked the car. The two were o a well deserved break – Sara having taken some cracked up drug dealer's fist to the face needed the coffee. "Yeah how long you got my back?" She looked into the reflection of the other officers glasses, "Till you get board of picking on the Dyke?" _

_Kara opened her mouth in mock shock then smiled a little, "You know I'll never get board of that." _

_Sara just shook her head; she turned and opened the door sliding back into the driver's seat of her patrol. It took a little longer for Kara to do so – but as soon as the passenger side door was closed shut Sara looked across. "You know…I'm attracted to you when you play your homophobic cop gig" _

_Kara just laughed, she had to admit, if she was playing for Sara's team – she'd sure as hell have no trouble jumping the cop at her side but as luck would have it – it just wasn't the case. "Is that true?" She asked. This was what they did, two very good friend, to partners – to members of a family. Sure they'd known each other not even eight months but these two were close. _

_"Hell…" Sara shrugged her shoulders, "I'm attracted to you" _

_"My husband might have something to say about that" Kara explained as she clipped her belt on. _

_Sara followed suit and clipped hers in before looking across one last time with her trade marked gap toothed smile – "I can take him…" _

_That caused Kara to laugh, breaking the teasing banter – and giving into Sara. _

_"You win!" _

_"I always do" Sara explained. IT was a game they played – who could keep up the game the longest – Kara always broke. _

_"So how are Jimmy and the kids?" Sara went about the family rout. _

_"Same old … I see my kids for a few precious hours every day and I see Jimmy even less" Kara sighed. _

_"The job!" Sara explained. _

_"yeah…the job" _

_"He understands right?" Sara asked, obviously referring to Jimmy. _

_Yeah right? What you expect him to Sidle? He wants me to quit … he don't like the risks I take. Says it's to dangerous… wants me to take a desk job" _

_"What? And you are thinking about it" _

_"No thinking needed…I live for this, the rush…" _

_Sara smiled, "Well…next time he has a pop about the danger just tell him you have Sidle watching your back" _

Sara came back to her senses – she looked away from the mirror and back down to the running water that was pooling into the sink before escaping down the drain. The sight of the water running freely was only a reminder of the time she spent in the wash room of the hospital before going to face Kara's family. The time she spent washing and wiping as much of the mother, sister, wife, daughters blood as possible. As much of Kara's blood from her as possible – physically she'd managed to do so but mentally – every time she looked down at her hands she saw it. The crimson red reminder that she hadn't watched Kara's back close enough - the crimson death reminder of the hell Sara had lived through.

Swallowing down the sickness the brunette looked away from her hands and the water and back up at the worn face that was hers. Clear signs of stress were shown in her eyes – eyes that she couldn't look directly into. With a sickened laugh at the person she'd become Sara only shook her head before wiping her hands on the back of her jeans and walking from the women's rest rooms.

As soon as she stepped outside she started off to the last destination – down the hall, a left and a right and there she was. At the end of a well traveled journey. She pushed open the door to Catherine's office before stepping in without announcing it. Catherine looked up from the photo of herself and Sara to see the brunette walk it. No words were said she just observed. Sara shut the door then turned, taking the ring from her finger she placed it on the desk – the looked into the eyes of her lover, the only family she had. "I love you, and I'm sorry. Please… don't let me walk out of here with you hating me because I don't want that to be the last thing I feel before I die."

Catherine stood up, she took Sara's ring – and placed it slowly onto her wedding finger. "I don't hate you… I love you more than anything…" She managed.

Sara moved her hand forward and placed it against Catherine's face softly – "I wish I could do what you wanted of me"

"I wish you could to" Catherine replied. "But I know you can't…and I … I … I just need to know why?"

Sara didn't respond just stayed looking into the blue eyes.

"Am I not enough?" Catherine asked.

"You're my life Cath…"

"Then why are you risking me? Risking losing me?"

"I have to" Sara explained.

"I hate who ever hurt you enough to make you need to do this" Catherine explained.

Sara just kissed Catherine with passion – knowing that this would be the last time they kissed until the bastard was caught.

The phone cut into the moment – Sara pulled back regretfully.

"Fuck" Catherine muttered –

Sara just shook her head and offered a silent sorry with her eyes as she answered the call – "Sidle"

"You ready for this?" The feds were ready for her but as Sara looked into the eyes of her love she wondered if she was. A moment's flash back of blood and horror was all she needed to tell her she was.

"Give me five"

"Okay…You sure about this!"

"I'm sure…" With that she cut off the call.

"This is it?" Catherine asked.

Sara reached to the chain around her neck, holding onto the ring that hung onto it – Catherine's ring. "I love you" Was all Sara could say.

Catherine just nodded her head, turning away – she took a deep breath.

"I'll never forgive you if you get hurt Sara…but…" Catherine stopped she turned to face the younger CSI – stepping forward she took Sara's hand. "I'll never forgive myself if I let you walk out of here without telling you that I will be with you every minuet of every god damn day and you better believe you have something to come back to. Just get back for me" She pulled her girlfriend close – and spoke against her lips – "Promise me"

"I promise" Sara replied as it merged into a kiss. A deep, sensual, loving kiss.

"Go!" Catherine pushed Sara away. "If you don't I'm not going to be able to let you out of here" She was crying again – angry again.

Sara just nodded, she turned and walked slowly to the door – before she pulled it open she echoed – "I promise"

Once Sara had left and the door was shut Catherine picked up the picture frame and turned back to the window. Terrified that she'd just shared the last moments she would ever have with Sara.

* * *

"Sidle…" He growled. She was spacing out on him and all that did was fill him with worry. He just hoped that she'd be able to pull this off. HE wasn't used to working with others outside his own team so wasn't sure about how much Sara Sidle would be able to deal with. Her file offered him comfort though as it showed her out to be the hard ass that she portrayed.

"I hear you!" She told the FED, a little harshly than he'd meant to.

He sighed, then looked over his shoulder – " Jackson, get the stuff together"

"Right!" came the reply.

He looked back to the brunette – "Look I need to know you're ready for this!"

"I'm ready..." Sara explained, "Just…fix me up."

"Okay… we have the camera in this pin – stick it on what ever you are wearing when you leave the apartment so we can keep track of you. The same goes for the mic I put on you earlier…" Sara just nodded her head.

"Hey, Smith… here's the stuff." Jackson passed everything over to the other FED.

"Thanks." He looked to Sara… "Okay in there is everything you need. Papers, documents, keys to the new SUV you got and to the apartment with the address. You'll have your stuff dropped off there when your back from the bar tonight. Here's your new cell – keep this on you at all times." Sara just nodded taking all the stuff from her.

"Okay… we have the command station down here in the lab – we'll be watching you 24 – 7. We'll be keeping you safe Sara. There will be undercover cops around you watching your back. Try not to worry"

"Oh why would I worry… he'll only kill me if I fuck this up" She smiled.

"You think this is funny?" Nick asked. "Stop making jokes" He shot as he passed over a coffee to the brunette. There were a few officers around the room doing various things – Grissom was over in the far corner talking this out.

"Sorry…coping mechanism" She explained. She looked back to Smith – "What about the guns?"

"Guns?" HE asked.

"Listen…I know I'm stupid doing this but I'm not suicidal. I want my guns."

"Fine… make sure they stay in your waist unless it's a last resort!" He explained.

She nodded her head.

"Okay then lets get this moving. Remember Sidle, this guys a murdered – he'll have no trouble killing you."


	4. prt3: How much i love you

**Part 3**

**_(Just want to say thankyou all so much for the reviews. Means alot to me :) and want to offer a little warning that a large part of the next part talks about a F/F relationship and if not your thing then its best not to read. Plus there is a large portion of this text that it set in the past so... sorry that there is not much in way of adding to the plot)_**

Sara walked into the bar, her mind working three hundred times harder than it should. She knew that she had Feds looking at her, watching her but she still felt a little uneasy. She made her way towards the crowded area pushing her way though so that she could get closer to the stools where she could sit and have perfect sight of the door and the larger area of the place. She wanted to see him before he saw her. And this was where it began – the waist for him to show. Sara ordered a tonic water which she wanted to add the vodka to but couldn't – not in a situation like this – though she thought that due to the stress that was built up inside her this would be the perfect time for such an addition to the clear, sparkling mixer.

Once halfway down that drink, she'd been here half an hour, and still no show. She scanned the bar for what was the god knows what time. Her eyes this time rested on two women in the far corner – sat in deep conversation. For some strange reason she this evoked a sickness within the brunette and caused a very vivid memory to surface…Sara was overcome with a rang of emotions as her mind disobediently wondered backwards into a past that the brunette still hadn't fully dealt with.

_"Another one in there" Sara asked as she pushed her glass across the bar. "…and a beer please" _

_"Coming up" The bar tender smiled that smile that Sara was so very used to. She rolled her eyes as she slumped further over the bar. When he came back and placed the bottle on the table sliding the shot towards her she looked up at him – "Mike, spit it out…don't just stand there all night looking at me like your about to ask me out." _

_"Honey…you wish" He laughed, "just wondering what's caused this drinking session is all?" He lent in front of her watching her down the shot and then start on the beer. _

_"What you complaining about I'm paying your wages here…" _

_"No…actually you're adding to a tab" He shot back with a smile, "Which is pretty steep by the way" _

_Sara growled, she reached into her inside pocket and pulled out her credit card – "Here…pay off the tab and shut your mouth." _

_"Thank you" He said taking the card. Then he reached over to the empty shot glass turning to fill it up – before sliding it back – "I'll be back in a sec to listen to the excuse you call a life so don't leave" He smiled. _

_Sara just shook her head and downed the shot. As Mike walked down the bar to serve someone else. IT took him all of seconds to be back and bugging the brunette. "So come on…what brought you here today?" _

_"Mike…back off" Sara shot. _

_"Come on Sidle… you know that I live for the tales of you're screwed up life to make me feel a little better" He whined. "You getting stick from your other half?" _

_"Leave me alone!" _

_"She of with someone else… she break your heart?" _

_"You know what…I hate you" _

_"No you don't…you love me. While I'm on the subject of love…hand over your keys" _

_"What?" _

_"You know the drill…you have half a bottle of vodka and about fifteen beers, I take your keys, I call you a cab and you don't get killed" _

_"I've had three beers…" _

_"And a hell of a lot of spirits now, if you expect another beer from me hand them over" _

_With another sigh she slid them over the counter – _

_"Thank you!" He put them into his pocket. _

_"What ever…" _

_"You know you love me babe!" He left her to the beer and the self pity. _

_Sara took another swig from the bottle, another healthy mouthful of the numbing alcohol. Then she groaned – reaching into her pocket she pulled out her cell and dialed a more than familiar number. She waited for the call to be answered and it didn't take too long. "_ _Davis__" _

_"I think I fucked up!" _

_"What's new! What you done now?" Came the voice on the other end - _

_"I … I think I ended it." _

_"Ended what…" _

_"Ended Linda…" _

_"What – you told me you two were going great, you hinter at the word love Sidle. What happened??" _

_"I kicked her out of my apartment" Sara explained, "…bitch cheated on me!" _

_"Where are you Sara?" came a slightly worried tone. _

_There was silence, until she finally gave in "Mike's…" _

_"Stay there…and what ever you do don't drink anymore!" _

_"Wait…you don't have to come…" Before Sara could finish she was cut off by her partner. _

_"Sidle shut your mouth and order some god damn water – I'll be there" The phone was shut off. _

_"There you go…" _

_She looked up to see Mike place a sandwich in front of her. "What…" _

_"On me…you haven't eaten and you look like shit. Kara will kill me if she knows I didn't look after you." He explained. _

_"Well she's on her way…" _

_"Great all I need. Two cops to pick on me…" _

_Sara lowered her head, "Can I have another beer please?" _

_"Sure… look you sure you're alright?" _

_He placed the bottle in front of her. "No where near okay" She explained, "The beers helping though." _

_Mike just looked at Sara before he finally spoke – "I'm right aren't I… it was that bitch" _

_Sara just turned a little and drank from the bottle. _

_"Well all I'll say is your too good for her" and with that he walked away. Knowing full well that it was time to back off from the brunette – _

_"Mike where is she?" Kara asked as she walked into the bar not seeing her partner. _

_"She's gone to the ladies…I think." He explained. _

_"She okay?" _

_Mike shook his head – then looked to the evidence to back up his response. Kara also looked to the empty bottles and filled ashtray. "God damn it" she mumbled. _

_"Look after my girl Kara … I mean it!" He shot. _

_"Yeah I'll try my best. You take her keys…" _

_"Hey I know the drill" He explained looking a little hurt that she'd asked. "Can I get you a beer…" _

_"Yeah…get two… something tells me she needs to drink this away" _

_"She's half way there already" Mike pre warned. _

_"Yeah well…she can finish of the trip no I'm here. Drink the bitch out of her system" Kara had warned Linda…she'd pulled the best friend gig. She'd made the threat – and she was going to learn that when you mess with Sidle you mess with Kara Davis to. Hell it was how it went – even when Kara's husband and her got into a fight Sara gave him a piece of her mind. Its what they did for each other. _

_"Look who it is…my knight in shining armor!" Sara slurred as she lent on the bar at Kara's side. Reaching over she took the beer that Mike had poured out. "Do you think that I'm a screw up, I think I'm a screw up!" Sara offered her tone lowering slightly. _

_"Come on Sidle…lets grab a seat" Kara took her bottle and Sara's jacket and guided the partner over to the far booth, in the corner of the bar. Ready to start the familiar routine – Kara had many a time been through this – from the perspective of booth roles. _

_They took their seats, "First thing first…unclip the gun from your belt!" _

_"Look I'm fine…" Sara tried to protest. _

_"No bullshit Sidle slid the gin over. The last thing you need in another shit load of reports against you because the Frisco cop was drunk with a fire arm strapped to her belt. Just hand it over…" Sara gave up and unclipped it pushing it across the wood of the table that separated them. "Plus…" Kara continued, "Your probably not going to like what I have to say and I don't want a cap in my chest" she placed the gun into the inside pocket of her jacket. _

_"I'm sorry…" _

_"What for?" _

_"Your night off…you should be with your kids and Jimmy…" Sara slurred once again telling Kara that this was where she needed to be. _

_"Look, blame the bitch who did this to you … not you. Talking of…what the hell happened?" _

_"I walked in on…Linda taking full advantage of the waitress from the coffee shop. She was offering services to my Girlfriend that obviously was too good to pass up on" Sara lit a cigarette and began to suck down the thick smoke washing it down with the beer. _

_"Oh you picked a good one there Sidle" _

_"Fuck you Kara…" _

_"Really man… you fall for the givers huh? Too bad she was giving to you and everyone else that she came across." _

_"Fuck you! Are you trying to push me that bit further? Want me to just go right a head and end it?" Sara spat her voice louder than Kara would have liked as it brought the attention of many of the other punters that Mike had in his place. _

_"Okay now it looks like I'm breaking up with you so that's for that… you just out-ed a very straight cop." Kara attempted to break the anger she could see in Sara's eyes. "Look, is all her shit out of your apartment?" Kara asked. Sara shook her head. "Fine… you finish drinking your pain away and you can crash at mine. Then…I'll clear that bitch's shit out of your place and drop it off for you" _

_"I love her" Sara managed after a long silence – looking up this time Kara saw the pain, the hurt, the tears pooling in the eyes of the brunette. _

_"No Sara…this isn't any good. That bitch doesn't deserve you." He voice was soft and caring now. _

_"In my apartment … brought that bitch back to my god damned apartment." Sara's voice was loud again now. Kara turned and caught the attention of a couple to her left. She smiled awkwardly – _

_"Not me…" She attempted, the couple didn't look convinced as they looked at her with a 'how could you' look. "Honestly…I'm married" That just seemed to make it worse. Kara had no idea what twisted version of the story they'd created but decided it was best to just give up – "Okay you win…I'm a terrible person" She shot at the two. Standing up she watched them leave before moving and sitting at Sara's side. She put her arm around the brunette – _

_"Honey… I'm sorry…really I am." Sara put her head in her hands and rested her elbows on the table – Kara just ran her hand up and down her friends back hoping that it would comfort the brunette. "this'll be alright though…" _

_"Yeah…" _

_"Yeah it will. There are a thousand girls out there who would die to have a chance with you. Watch … someone much hotter than Linda" _

_"You've thought about how hot my girlfriend is…" _

_"EX…and I'm straight not blind!" Kara shot back lightly smiling at Sara. "Look I help you get over this bitch and next night off we both have I come out with you and find you a girl who deserves you!" Sara lent into the comfort of what was been cared for. Something that she wasn't used to – _

_"I love you" She managed. _

_"You getting all soppy on me now?" _

_"Yeah… I think I am" _

_"Well – the whole bar thinks I'm gay and a cheating bastard and I'm still sat here…now holding you which doesn't help my cause so I hope you know how much I love you" Kara smiled. _

"Ma'am…Ma'am are you okay?"

Sara looked up abruptly to the bar tender that stood in front of her – he'd pulled her back into reality – into the present hell and away from the past one. "Sorry…err…" She stuttered.

"Sorry Ma'am you looked a little lost there…" He offered.

"Sorry… I…was…" She stopped again, looking down to her hands she saw it, the blood, there again as a reminder of what she'd done, of how she'd fucked up. She took a few deep breaths but it was no use – she knew of old that there was only one way to even try and deal. She looked back up to the bar tender.

"Triple vodka shot"


	5. prt4: Driving me crazy

**Part 4**

_Drink it Sidle. You need it!_

_Your on a job god damn It-_

_You think you'll get through this without it_

_The whole labs watching you_

_Your job_

_You_

Sara lifted the glass – the battling of her mind was just too much. Lifting it with only a little hesitation she knocked it back. The hot, burning taste enough to remind her of why she's here – enough to dull the fear that welled inside her chest – the sound of the glass hitting against the bar brought her back to reality.

"Get you another?" the bar man asked. Sara looked up and though thought seriously about downing another shook her head. He took the empty glass and turned away from her. Sara looked back around the bar – not a lot had happened. Everyone stood in the same place, everyone looked happy enough.

As she now sat in her solitude again the guilt came faster at her – she was out here putting her life on the line for a partner who was killed years ago. She was out here putting her relationship with Catherine on the line – even if she got back alive she knew that she will have put a strain on what they had. Catherine always worried about her reckless ways – always worried that she'd do something stupid. This was that stupid thing that she'd kept the blond awake with over many nights, the something that filled many nightmares.

Sara took a deep breath and sighed.

Distance overcame her again this time her mind filling with memories of nights when she'd been awoken by Catherine – the thing was right now she was forcing Catherine's nightmares into becoming a reality.

"_Baby?" Sara moaned lowly as she was awoken by the thrashing arms of the blond that lay at her side. A waking a little more Sara moved over to her girlfriend and placed an arm over the damp body, fear caused a cold sweat to hit Catherine. "Honey…shush…" She whispered softly, her lips only a little away from the blonds ear._

_Catherine's arms tried to push the brunette away though failed. Sara was much stronger – and Catherine's fear-filled state did little to push away the other. The whimpering of the older CSI was what affected Sara so much. "Umm…No…Sar…no"_

"_Honey…stop…it's a dream…" Still sleep-filled Sara Sidles voice filtered into the room._

"_Don't…don't…go…"_

"_I'm here… wake up babe!" Sara tried again._

_She ran her hand down Catherine's arm in a way of offering comfort. That's when the blond took in a sharp breath before bolting up straight in the bed. Sara kept hold of the now panting girlfriend and slowly coxed her back down to the bed. "No…" Catherine still within a level of sleep gasped._

_Sara turned so she put a little wait on her lover. Her voice loving but firmer spoke – "Shush… it's okay. It was a bad dream. It's okay!" Catherine finally locked eyes with Sara, still gasping she began to calm a little. "What is it honey?" Sara asked. The response she got was a low whimper. The brunette pushed the bond hair back from Catherine's face – _

"_Don't…don't leave!" Catherine moved her hand and gripped hold of the shirt that Sara was wearing pulling her into her side._

"_I'm not going…"_

"_I don't want you… you to die!" Still semi dazed Catherine continued to mumble._

"_I'm not going to die!" Sara reassured. She moved and took hold of Catherine's body holding the older woman into her. "It was a dream"_

* * *

"What the hell is she playing at?" Smith shouted as he watched on the screen as Sara downed the Vodka she'd ordered. "God damn it…" He turned to some of the other officers – anger fully visible. "God damn it…I want someone keeping an eye on her" 

Nick looked up to the screen, what the hell was she doing. He looked over to Grissom to show his concern but as usual the older man showed no emotion, he spoke confidently, "Just give her some time to settle down…she'll be fine"

"I don't know how you work Grissom – but I don't let my team drink on the job! You hear me. It's my job to protect her – if she's throwing back vodka I'm not doing my job. This bastard would gut her no problem…"

"Smith… SMITH…" A colleague shouted. He looked away from Grissom and back to the machine, the monitor showing a man, in his late mid 40s walking over to the area where Sara is sat. He moved into action straight away. Reaching for the head phones on the side he began speaking – "We have go! I repeat we have a go. Suspect is in view all units keep alert"

* * *

"Hey girl…mind if I come in?" 

Catherine looked up from her desk to the doorway. "come in" She managed.

Warrick walked in – "No change on the case…I think the evidence has run cold"

"Don't worry…my girlfriend will help you out" Catherine sighed and explained angrily.

He put the case files onto the desk – "Nick is sitting in on the first few hours – I'll take over. Make sure she's not losing it. Greg went and packed some stuff for her"

Catherine just nodded. Then a silence came over them – "Tell me she'll be okay?" She asked.

Warrick nodded, "She'll be fine"

With a sigh Catherine took hold of the file. "You know what…we were going out after shift"

"She'll make it up to you!" He offered.

"Yeah…" Catherine just stood up – "I need to see her do this! Sitting in here is driving me crazy"


End file.
